By Kim Porter

Dear Neighbor,

Somewhere back yonder, I was reminded that I need to consider “meeting people where they are, as they are.” It seemed like an appropriate thing to do. How could I not follow that suggestion? In fact, I probably thought I already did that. Well, again I bought into the phrase, the concept, the thought, the possibility, but was having a hard time carrying it out.

Think with me for a minute. When you meet someone, it usually happens with your eyes first. You have this vision, this visual contact. Someone is handsome, attractive, enticing, somewhat unusual, scary, tall/short, tan, black/brown/white, awkward, old/young, wears an earring, wears no makeup, bearded, tired, flashy, immobile, etc. It is called a first impression. And it is hard to forget that moment. If what I said is true, I am already biased. My eyes have told me something. But is that fair to others? Have I met them where they are or have I judged them by my present experience?

Now let’s add to meeting people “where they are,” this phrase: “as they are.” When meeting someone that can seem provocative, political, nosey, kind-hearted, generous, loving, spirited, concerned, sensitive, overbearing, prejudice, etc. Does meeting them “where they are” change your view of them? Do you think twice about them? Or do we back off, stay away, minimize contact or just plain cut them off?

Have you become good neighbors, only to find he is a Democrat. Are you good neighbors anymore? Or you sit by a family at church every Sunday, your kids play together, only to find out their child is gay. Do you discourage your child from playing with their child? Or what do I do when a woman is strong, independent, outspoken?

Should I prejudice myself and say I cannot believe she doesn’t know her place?

My point is simple. Just because I see someone wearing a Pride T-shirt doesn’t mean I may not like him. Or what about the man who sat next to me at a local restaurant with a “Make America Great Again” hat? Should I think he hasn’t considered character in his political decision? And if my relative is an evangelical Christian, should I count him out?

And then there is the inevitable — a Black man with dreadlocks — does he make me afraid? I don’t know about you, but my first thought is usually shallow, judgmental and not very comforting.

Then my mature, critical thinking, thoughtful Kim Porter kicks into gear. “Where they are” is challenging if I disagree with their choice. But if my next thought is “I do not want to be around him.” or “I am going to change them,” then I need to step back and see if I am really seeing someone and accepting them as they are. We may have different views, but it is not my job to change them, but to accept where they are. They have a right to their space. I may disagree, flat out dispute their views or just plain want to pass them by, not looking at them face to face. Continuing the engagement, challenge their thoughts, bludgeon the biases is meeting them as they are. I still may not like them, but I provided room for engagement. My eyes may not have seen everything.

Let me be honest. Meeting someone where they are, as they are, is not easy. I come with prejudices. I have these visions and experiences that manipulate my thinking. They color my thoughts. They interfere with my presence. But, if I want someone to meet me where I am, then I must do the same. My eyes should not be the most important judge to those I meet and share this earth with.

Working on my biases is really more than I can handle at times. But, once I come face to face with them, I find myself growing by providing room for engagement. My eyes may not have seen everything.

“Dear Neighbor” authors are united in a belief that civility and passion can coexist. We believe curiosity and conversation make us a better community.