By Whitey Harwood

Roger Miller wrote and recorded the “Roller Skate” song in 1966. Billboard listed it as a novelty song.

If you hear it for the first time, you might think it’s funny or witty. But if you listen to it several times, you might consider it different.  

I think Roger Miller was aware of some more serious things and was telling people in a song how to connect the dots or how to get your ducks all lined up in a row. But first you need to know where the dots and ducks are.

Some other lines in the song are:

You can’t take a shower in a parakeet cage.

You can’t go swimming in a baseball glove,

You can’t go fishing in a watermelon patch.

Then they all end with these words: But you can be happy if you’ve a mind to.

Well, someone played that song on the radio a while back and it got me to thinking about things that you can’t and can do in Rowan County.

The first two I have thought about for a long time.

You can’t throw one beer can out of your pickup truck window without taking a chance of getting a ticket for littering.

But, you can release hundreds of balloons and get a rose pinned on your assurance that you have done a great and noble deed for all mankind, and more than likely get your story on the 6 o’clock news.

You can’t rent an R-rated movie from the Rowan County Public Library, no matter how old you are.

But, you can read in the Salisbury Post where a China Grove man was arrested for participating in sex acts with a dog, no matter how young you are.

Here goes some “Cant’s and Cans” I’ve thought about more recently:

You can’t shop at a Target Store anywhere in Rowan County.

But, you can drive to Cabarrus County to shop there, if you can afford the gas.

You can’t smoke a cig-a-butt inside of the Cracker Barrel Old Country Store.

But, you can sit out front in them rockin’ chairs and blow smoke on everybody coming and going through that front door.

You can’t run a park proactively with a degree in textiles.

But, you can read in the Post where there was a train derailment that ended in multiple minor injuries.

You can’t drive-thru a Chick-Fil-A on Sunday to fill your hunger.

But, you can drive from Ohio to Rowan County to perform sexual activities with a 15-year-old and express concerns about losing your job as an owner of a Chick-Fil-A.

You can’t be healthy drinking water wrapped in plastic.

But, you can call yourself Healthy Rowan if you are that naïve.

You can’t buy filet mignon with a potted meat paycheck.

But, you can purchase peanut butter in a pinch, ‘cause it tastes fine if you ain’t never had the other.

You can’t solve anything sitting on a committee.

But, you can have any style hairdo you want.

You can’t love God, if you don’t love your neighbor.

But, you can go to church every Sunday and shout “Hallelujah” just as loud as you want to.

You can’t stop what’s coming.

But, you can watch where you’re going.

You can’t connect the dots using a clear plastic straw.

But, you can change to colored ones, and you still can’t connect the dots whether you stick it up your nostril or somewhere else.  

You can’t figure out why there is trash in the ditches.

But, you can vote for someone that pleads guilty to driving while intoxicated for county commissioner.

You can’t deliver a eulogy for your mother in a certain church in Rowan County if you are not a heterosexual male. 

But, you can be a preacher or a breeder and use a computer to help you with your sermons and eat all the peanut butter you want. 

You can’t get your blood pressure taken at the VAMC from a certain nurse, even if you make an appointment and show up on time.

But, you can read these words, “Excellent Service Earned by Veterans” every time you walk thru the front door of Building Three. You’ve got to be serious!

You can’t control your co-worker’s rude behavior or stupidity.

But, you can keep an eye on the clock and know that “It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere.”

Here’s the last one and it’s gonna be backwards just like most things in RoCo.

So I would like to dedicate it to the “Feckless Five” and all the others that are in office or running for one.

You can lead a politician to water.  But, you can’t make them think.

Sorry, but I thought of some more:

You can’t figure out how many hours of daylight are in a day if you can’t do simple arithmetic.

But, you can get it wrong, almost every day, for 50 years if you stay on the job that long.

You can’t ask for a little change if you are a tramp on the street.

But, you can beg for big bucks if you are a preacher or politician on the television.

You can’t judge a book by watching the movie and the fact of the business is you probably can’t watch it anyway in Loco RoCo.

But, you can “Keep On Smilin.”

Whitey Harwood lives in southern Rowan County.