By Whitey Harwood

Special to the Post

About two years ago, a staff writer wrote a very good story about a gentleman that had been a pillar of his community and had passed on. The story was very interesting and well-written — except for one thing. She made a mistake.

In the story it stated these two men were brothers-in-law because they married sisters. Well, that fact — marrying sisters — won’t make you brothers-in-law. The Post was called and made aware of it but it didn’t seem as important to them as it was to me. So now, two years later, I would like to explain what a brother-in-law is.

This is another story about a brother-in-law. It’s a sad story but true. Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty.

A friend of mine named Mary had two sons, Matthew and Mark. Their dad’s name was Luke. Many years ago Matthew lost his life in a tragic accident. Luke was the next one to go, then Mark died from a heart attack at 56 years young.

Several months after Mark’s funeral, Mary invited me to her house for supper and to talk. While we were eating, she asked if I had gone to Mark’s funeral. I said “no,” just to visitation. She said it was a really beautiful service and that Mark’s uncle, her brother-in-law, had preached it.

I said, “I didn’t know Ruth’s husband was a preacher.” Ruth is Mary’s sister.

Mary: “Oh, he’s not.”

Me: “Well, how did he preach a funeral then?”

Mary: “It wasn’t Ruth’s husband, it was Luke’s sister’s husband, John, that preached the funeral. Luke’s sister is Sarah.

Me: “Well, he would have been Mark’s uncle, but he would be Luke’s brother-in-law, not yours.”

Mary: “Well, Sarah’s my sister-in-law so John would have to be my brother-in-law.”

Me: “No, it don’t work that way. He is Luke’s brother-in-law because he is married to his sister and not yours.”

Mary: “Well, wouldn’t he be my brother-in-law by marriage?”

Me: “Look, the only way you can have a brother-in-law is by marriage. But he ain’t your brother-in-law; he is your sister-in-law’s husband.”

Mary: “I think I understand what you’re saying but I’ve always considered him as my brother-in-law.”

Me: “That’s fine. Will you pass me a biscuit, please?” I thought it was over.

So after supper and cleaning up the kitchen, Mary asked me if I like to watch Jeopardy.

I said, “No, I don’t like it. I love it.”

So here we are watching Jeopardy and really having a big time trying to be first with the right answer.

Now, it’s almost time for the final question. All of a sudden she glared over at me and hollered, “I’ll call him my brother-in-law if I want to!”

I jumped up and yelled, “You can call him King Kong if you want to. But he ain’t your dad-blame brother-in-law!”

So then I walked out the door, got in my truck and went home.

I never did find out the final question or answer on Jeopardy that night.

So after many nights of counting ceiling tiles I came up with a formula for two men to marry sisters and become brothers-in-law. It wouldn’t only be a very sad situation but also very taboo. But first two things would have to happen that would almost be impossible.

The first thing: The two men would have to be brothers. The second thing: The sisters couldn’t be just any sisters; they would have to be the brothers’ sisters. The third thing is they would all be arrested because it’s just wrong.

But that is the only way you can become brothers-in-law by marrying sisters.

Now I think I have come up with an answer and a question for the final Jeopardy.

Besides incest, can you name any other act that is unnecessary, unhealthy, unintelligent, unproductive, unsanitary, unwanted and almost unacceptable?

Final answer: What is using tobacco products in a park?

Harwood lives in Salisbury.