There’s an app for that.

With more than two million applications in store for you, you would not finish searching through them if you spent the rest of your life, much less, the rest of your cell phone’s life doing so.

But you might want to try these fictional applications.

Feed me Seymour. Not only does this app buy and debit your account for the food you order online, it shops for you at any grocery store (avoid that in-store gossip), delivers to your house, brings it inside after it’s heated in an Uber’s convection oven, serves it on your plate and actually feeds you with your own silverware. It will put it in your mouth for you to chew. Or, there is a link for infants that will chew the food for you, if you are too lazy. It will wet nurse if neccessary.

I.P. Freely. This is closely related and based on titration. It features beer on tap beside your hot and cold water spigot. Get your favorite “brewski” at home. Don’t drive drunk, don’t go for more and don’t wait for the dog to bring you another one. Billed monthly, this app comes with a clear, hermetically sealed tube you can run to your mouth while you lounge on the sofa. Don’t bother to get up or link to the catheter connector. That is the ultimate in recycling and you’ll never miss any of the “stupor bowl,” not even that exciting three-pointer or the mega million Travis and the boys halftime show. Cheers!

The Sky’s the Limit. Be in touch with your long lost ancestors. Have the same spiritual thoughts, or hook up with people out there who think like you do. You might want to move in with them. Forget the paranormal, based on all the theologies of the world, so far, you can click on the one that best resembles what you are already. Forget reality. Be one with the spirit.

In your wildest dreams. You are the star. Your subliminal dreams are taped and become movies for you and your friends to download. Now, you can relive those moments that you only dreamed about. Choose who will play you in your underwear in front of the whole class.

Buttface. Leave all those vacation photos, cute dog and pretty pictures for Ed Norvell and his Facebook friends. Got something bad to say, want to hurt somebody or get back at them? This is your time. It’s all bad, condescending, belligerent, dirty and racist. It can never be erased, especially if you run for office. Just keep it off Facebook.

Anybody can. With no God-given talent and no practice, you can become an artist. Some try this without this app. Pick up a brush and paint, write a novel, compose a rapsody, preach your own sermon and sing out. Artistic expression is at your fingertips to share with your new fan club. Dispel the “poeta nascitar, nonfit” old proverb that poets are born, not made. Impress people with your newfound talents.

Eye Seam. Simply place the scanner or any printed page, book, the bible, newspaper, text or an entire manuscript and it’s instantly transferred by electrodes to your brain’s memory. You can know everything with instant recall. No reading required. It’s perfect for students taking tests and easier than cheating. You will be the envy of your friends who only know what they hear.

Zap App. For the Yankees tired of being bullied, battered, banned or banished, try this. You just enter the likeness of your nemisis and, with one click of your finger, you can annihilate them, just like the roadrunner and bugs bunny. Over the cliff, down the chute and out of sight. Angry Democratic women can end all opposing forces and erratic thoughts in the world forever. Everyone would think like them. Don’t stress over lost causes. Simply zap them gone. This app is not suitable for children.

Go clone me. Are you  dateless and desperate, Russ? This is the app for you. You’re perfect. So, make another one just like you. Share yo’ self with more dates, dinners and drinks. Your extra self might want to try things you wouldn’t think of doing on your own — drugs, gaming and guns. If you die, clone another one.

Picture of health. Just put your face down on the screen or scan your little finger and you get a print out of what you need to be in perfect health. It tells if you’re really sick, just need sleep or what to do otherwise. You’ll know what medications to take, and what surgery you need. If you really look sick, it prints out a photo of you in perfect health — slim, vibrant, perfect abs, natural beauty, no make up, no tattoos and no plastic.

So, go invest in your own apps.

Clyde lives in Salisbury.