I’ve done what most American males do throughout the course of their lives, gained a couple of pounds a year.

 

The problem is I’m old now, so it shows up more. My whole center of gravity is changing. I can see it in front of me now.

 

So I’d like to donate some of my excess weight to a needy cause. There must be some charity out there with an annoying jingle that would take it. Instead of Kars for Kids, maybe they could create Fat for Kids. We could donate our excess blubber to young, skinny tots with faster metabolisms and write it off on our taxes.

 

I can’t just go on a diet. That would never work for me. I’d lose all this weight very quickly, and people would only say “Hey, look at how much weight Kent has lost. He must be dying.” That’s what we all think when older people lose weight.

 

So I think we’re talking about a gradual lifestyle change here. Something that would take off a few pounds here and a few pounds there, but not so quickly that I have to rush out and buy new clothes.

 

The problem is, I love food. I was born and raised in the south and my taste buds were shaped and molded here. Virtually every main dish is served with a side of mashed potatoes and gravy. Even if you’re eating spaghetti, someone will offer you mashed potatoes and gravy with it.

 

So, I’ll need what they call an “attitude realignment.” That’s a subtle way of getting an older southern man to change his ways without using a cattle prod.

 

I will need to say goodbye to the fast food industry. You have been my waistline’s enemy too long. You’ve made it too easy to pull up to a little speaker, give my order to someone who can’t understand me, repeat my order, listen to them tell me they still can’t understand me, and finally pick up someone else’s order at the window.

 

You’re nice people and I love your food, but that’s the problem. I love your food. And it’s easy.

 

I will also wave goodbye to soda and sweet tea. Sweet tea will be hard. As a southerner, I’m required by law to drink at least forty gallons of it a year, but I will just pay the tax penalty and wear the scarlet letter on my forehead in shame, all for the benefit of my waistline.

 

I will also be mindful of the calories I’m consuming. They print them on everything you buy these days, but I recently heard someone on TV talking about “hidden calories.”

 

What? All right, no more hidden calories. I want all you little boogers out there right in front of me where I can count you.

 

Now don’t get your hopes too high. There are limits to my enthusiasm. You will not see me lunching on kale. I honestly believe God put kale on the earth to add a little color, and was actually surprised when we started eating it.

 

He probably wonders why we don’t eat lawn clippings.

 

I will struggle with my new choices, but I will make them my new reality. And hopefully when you see me in a few months, you’ll compliment me on my new look.

 

And you’ll probably ask me how long I have to live.

Kent Bernhardt is attempting his ‘gradual lifestyle change’ right here in Salisbury.