By Kenneth L. Hardin

I’ve never understood why a male masquerading as a man would feel the need to abuse a woman. I purposely invoke the use of the term associated with deceptiveness because anyone who lays a violent hand on a woman or even a harsher verbal tone is clearly practicing a type of subterfuge a real man wouldn’t. There’s no measurable level or calculable amount of respect I could muster for these standard bearers of insolence. I understand there are many variables involved as to why some women fall for the “I only hit you because I love you” and “I promise I won’t ever do it again” lies. But when women rationalize and accept the repeated abuse, my empathy level has an emergency shutoff valve. Now, before anyone accuses me of victim blaming and shaming, this opinion piece is not that type of hype. For those less familiar with the colloquialisms of the hood or who have misplaced their urban slang dictionary, my intention is not to saddle abused women with any responsibility for their peril. The onus remains solely with the abuser.

To illustrate my point, however, I recall working in the emergency department of a busy, small, community-based hospital 25 years ago. A young female came in with head bowed and a baseball cap swung down low over her forehead. She was barely audible and it was evident she was in emotional distress. I swiveled my head around in several directions trying to make eye contact while asking her why she had visited the ER. She finally raised her head to expose an orange-sized, discolored, bulb-like knot in the center of her forehead. With equal parts genuine concern and shock, I asked her if she had been in an accident. Still avoiding direct eye contact, she said in a low, shameful and emotional tone, “He said he wouldn’t ever hit me again and he didn’t.” This led to more confusion for me, so I again asked her what caused the bruise that resulted in her seeking emergency care. She tearfully replied, “He said he wouldn’t hit me, so he headbutted me.” She added that he was drunk at the time, as if those two actions somehow absolved him of real responsibility for his abhorrent behavior. I explained to her that regardless of what manner he undertook, he had still physically abused her and it should be reported to law enforcement. She reverted to the familiar playbook response saying she didn’t want him to get into trouble, opted not to be treated and left.

A quarter of a century later, I still think about this young woman from time to time. So many questions about her travel divergent paths down the middle of my mind. What was the conversation when she returned home? Did she go back home to him? Did she stay with this coward long term or find a good man? Did he eventually un-alive her? Why wouldn’t she talk to the RN I asked to evaluate her before she left? Did she ever go get counseling? Did she finally find her voice? If she did find it, I hope she’s using it like Katy Perry sang to women in 2013 when she told them to “Roar:” “I guess that I forgot I had a choice. I let you push me past the breaking point. I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything. You held me down, but I got up. Already brushing off the dust. You hear my voice; you hear that sound. Like thunder, gonna shake the ground. You held me down, but I got up. Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough. I see it all, I see it now. I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter. Dancing through the fire. ‘Cause I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar louder, louder than a lion.”

The water flows both ways down the domestic violence river and men are victims of abuse as well. According to numbers released by the Centers for Disease Control, women account for half of the abusers. One in four women and one in seven men will experience physical violence by their intimate partner at some point during their lives. But that’s not the theme I chose for this party. When I read that over one in three women (35.6 percent) and one in four men (28.5 percent) in this country have experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime; 40 percent of women and 32 percent of men reported expressive abuse; and  41 percent of women and 43 percent of men reported coercive abuse, I’m here asking, no I’m demanding, my brothers make immediate changes to the way they treat women. For those male cowards who feel it’s a birthright that they control their women through physically violent means or threatening and abusive language, it’s time to let go of that warped fantasy. If the behavior doesn’t cease, there’ll be many women in court singing a different well-known hit song as the judge drops his gavel and executes prison time: “It’s raining men! Hallelujah! It’s raining men! Amen!”

 Kenneth L. (Kenny) Hardin is a member of the National Association of Black Journalists.