By Kim Porter

Dear Neighbor,  

Being raised in the USA, I was always reminded that we are individualistic, competitive and in charge. All of these traits had good qualities. You were told to stand up for yourself, because you were important, strong and in control. You were to win if challenged and if you lost, you were not competitive enough. One was not to give in and lose control and as a male, I was the dominant one. As an adult I have learned that community means enough to me to not break ties with others who oppose me.

Growing up, it was quite obvious to me that if I carried the torch of individualism, always being correct/right, I could be proud to be a self-reliant individual. I would find myself wanting to “respond” to the world or an individual when listening, but also failing and not willing to “understand” what someone was saying. Most of the time I didn’t really listen, because I was preparing to attack the other person. Individualism got in the way. As an educated male, with healthy mental and physical capabilities, how could I not be right?  

Being competitive was my mark of strength. I needed to be the first one picked on the playground. I fought to be the shortstop, point guard or quarterback. They were the positions of strength, not weakness. And if I didn’t get what I wanted, I played nasty, uncompromising, with cockiness. I had to win. It was in my blood. And when I didn’t win, I fought for it. If I slid into second base and was called out, I started a fight.  

I didn’t even like to lose in a spelling bee. And if I did, it better not be a girl that beat me. The embarrassment was too much. This was how I defined competitiveness.   

My father imparted “be in control” in your life — do not let others control you. You are to be in charge. And if you are a man, you need to remind women that men are in charge. Thankfully, this lesson was a challenge in our house as my mom was an early feminist and I learned early that there were other ways to be in control that would not cause less confusion and divisiveness.

Aging has tempered my dominant individualism. I am still competitive and prefer to be in charge, but how I handle these traits has matured. I choose not to live in a world of “us vs. them” most of the time. I know others have different opinions than I do, and I can now acknowledge that it doesn’t quash my individuality. Instead of physical fights, I challenge/encourage people to identify inconsistencies in their thinking and include myself in that challenge. 

We all live in this world of inconsistencies, from childhood to adult. I am saddened when many in leadership appear to embrace childish ways, demonstrating a lack of moral character to lead with integrity and democratic ideals. I have hope that those in charge aren’t still like me as a child — but have the strength to lead with compassion and concern for America. 

“Dear Neighbor” authors are united in a belief that civility and passion can coexist. We believe curiosity and conversation make us a better community.