Just as I was digging out another melted piece of chewing gum from the pocket of my shorts, and watching another infomercial promising a slimmer you just by wearing a special suit, I decided to expose a shady part of my past.
It is time to tell of a terrible burden, one that I have dealt with for many years.
Here is how it all started. As a youngster, I fell hard for Annette Funicello from the ěMouseketeersî TV show. Darlene was nice too, but Annette just had that extra something.
My afterschool schedule had to fit around the Mousketeers. Most days it was possible to put off my farm chores or ball playing, until after Annette stopped looking directly at me. She WAS ělooking at me,î I know she was.
Finally, it became clear that a super-hot teenager wasnít really enamored with a little farm kid, but that was OK because I had moved on.
The TV hit ěGilliganís Islandî had taken her place. Like many boys my age, I was faced with a huge dilemma. Ginger or Mary Anne? Both appealed to me, but in very different ways.
Ginger was glamorous, but even then I was cautious of the problems surrounding keeping a ěhigh maintenanceî woman happy. How could I even buy those evening gowns? Her makeup and all the things that made her so glamorous didnít even enter my mind.
Now for me, Mary Anne was something else. When she came bouncing on the screen in those short shorts, I was immediately focused. This was a high energy and super-fit woman, just the kind that still attracts me to this today.
I could imagine Mary Ann coming to our farm and us both living happily for ever after.
She would have to drive, but that would be OK. She probably had a car, if we could just figure out some way to get her off that island.
Now as I became more worldly, and even had a family of my own, I realized that Joan Lunden of ěGood Morning Americaî was talking to me almost every morning. Joan and I had a special thing going, unknown to others. At least unknown to others, other than a hundred or so that I told about our ěspecial relationship.î
Donít laugh, I considered myself really lucky to wake up to her all week long. We didnít see much of each other on weekends, but that was OK.
Missing her on weekends just made Monday mornings that much better. Only my daughters and a wife or two knew that she called me often.
I didnít share with anyone what we talked about. Later, after more than 10 years, we grew apart and Joan married an airline pilot. We are still fairly close, proof that we can return to being friends after an intense and emotionally charged relationship.
As my life has evolved, these women canít keep from throwing themselves at me. It is however a burden that I can handle.
Iíve realized that these women are drawn to me.
Jennifer Anniston wouldnít take no for an answer when she first called. I was glad when she broke up with Brad Pitt, because Jen deserved way better.
I may have played some small part in that. How about a small farm with horses and big windmill on Weaver Road? The possibilities are endless.
Thinking back, I am pretty sure that Lunden decided that she wasnít up to all the fun. Jen, on the other hand, seems lively enough to handle it all. If not, she needs to be aware that I may have to move on.
While this list of women seems pretty impressive, there are many more. Danica Patrick is one. Iíll admit a certain attraction for a ěfastî woman, and she certainly fits the bill.
When I hear from Danica, she usually is only around for a few hours and then off to something else.
Martina McBride is another. Imagine that voice singing in the shower.
Right now, Marysol Castro, the weather girl for the ěCBS Morning Showî seems to be around almost every day.
All of these women are extremely cute and they are runners too, so they make the cut. Wait the phone is ringing, so I will have to go.
It might be Jennifer Love Hewitt!